Weighty matters.

Even if you do.

Right?

SO, anyone who knows me, or has ever read this blog knows that weight is my mountain.  I lost 154 pounds and kept it off for over two years.  Well, due to many circumstances(including CRAPPY, crappy health UGH!) I have put back on quite a bit of poundage.  I've decided recently (due to my self-hatred regarding this) that I am going to get healthy again.  It's never really been about the number on the scale or on the tag on my jeans but it's hard to not think and or fixate on this.  The bottom line is, right now...I'm a mess.  I'm unhappy with my life as it is and it's time to reclaim my control.  Being overweight is not good for me. Period.  End of story.

I wish it was easier.  I have SO many obstacles, more now than ever, but I am armed for the task and at this I MUST not fail.  I need to be the champion of my past. No. I WILL be the champion again. My weight is not WHO I am so why does it affect me SO much?  When I'm like this I feel like people cast quick judgments and even if they don't, I do it myself, for them.  I feel like I'm not worthy of friends.  Who would want to be my friend?  I feel like everyone else is better than me.  I feel like I embarrass my children and my husband because of the way I look.  I feel, well defeated.

The sad thing is..as hard as I try to not make this about the numbers my girls might believe otherwise.  They hear everything I say, but worse, they SEE.  This morning my four beautiful elementary school girls surrounded me at the breakfast table as I fought to get my MAJORLY unwanted bowl of oatmeal down.  Last time around I did a lot of things the wrong way.  I acknowledge that and think that is one of the reasons I believe, I never reached my goal weight.  I did a lot of just not eating, especially skipping breakfast.  I'm trying not to do that, and it's hard.  But anyway, I told my girls as I finished that I was going to get healthier if it killed me.  

At the sink as I washed my emptied bowl out I overheard my beautiful Jillian say, "Mommy wants to be skinny.  Skinny. Skinny. Skinny. That is good."  My heart broke a little.  I corrected her, "No, Jillian.  Mommy wants to be healthy.  I want a healthy heart."  I even went so far as to explain about your heart pumping and everything.  In the end I hope she heard me.  I don't want my girls to battle food the way that I do.  Every day. Every breath.  It's SO exhausting.   

So, how do you instill in your children the importance of being healthy without making it about weight?   When it comes down to it, it IS A LOT about weight.  How do I help them overcome this battle that I wage?  How do I change my own mind so that I believe it isn't just about the number as well.  I know they will hear what I say to them, but I know they will hear what I don't say to them even more.  And, at the end of the day, I'm trying to lose weight.

So, now that I've shared publicly my embarrassment at gaining to begin with I'm laying out some ground rules. If I write them here you(my 1 or 2 readers that is) can all hold me responsible. Right? 

RULE #1 NO skipping meals.

RULE #2 ABSOLUTELY NO skipping meals (AKA starving myself.)

RULE #3 See 1 and 2.

I wonder if you can tell what I did last time?  It is what it is.  I am not my past.  I am my future.  

PS....please comment.  I'd love to hear other people's opinion on this.