Friday, June 16, 2017

I'm still alive.....barely. But....Am I loving it? Well, yes and no.

Wow. I can't believe it's been so long since I posted on here. I'm still living, but I have multiple teenaged daughters now, and two tweens, so....really I should be checked for signs of life daily. No. Seriously.

Because this is hard ya'll. Real hard.

 I often think about my past when my girls are going through whatever situation they are at the time and think, I would never have made it if I was growing up right now. A world where media and contact is everything, except personal and real, and the competition to be someone worth likes, snaps, favorites and heart icons is the only thing that matters is a world I can barely navigate. How can I expect fragile teens to do that?

How do you instill in your kids their own personal worth? Nothing hurts a Mom as much as when their child believes deep down that they are not enough. To the point where they sabotage themselves so much that others believe it too and give up on them? I'm not blaming other kids, because why wouldn't they? If you're told something enough or tested enough you're eventually gonna go, yeah. That's true. I believe you.

When every other thing in life tells them otherwise, social media and devices control so much in life. What are things we can do to build them up in this world where they are constantly comparing themselves to everyone else. How do you tell them it's not reality? I feel like some of my kids get that. But the ones that don't....ugh. It's pain. And it's hard. And I'm a parent trying to raise kids in a world I'm unfamiliar with.

Right now things are pretty tough around here, where teenagers are concerned heartbreak can be especially brutal. That's what we are dealing with now. Plain and simple heartbreak. We've had it before, sure, but never like this. Never after being SO impossibly in love. And THAT leads me to the meat of why I'm writing this post.

Let's talk about teenage love for a moment. I bet when you read that you guffawed or at the very least had an eye roll moment? But - wait, hear me out! When my second oldest daughter fell in love for the first time she was saying she loved him and he her. It was pretty early on in their relationship and I'll admit, I guffawed and eyerolled and the works.

Teens don't know what love is. Especially so early on. How could they possibly understand that, right?

According to Google the definition of "LOVE" is: an intense feeling of deep affection. That's a pretty ambiguous definition! What does that even mean?

Well, love, to me is fighting for someone, no matter how unlovable they are in the moment. It's accepting the good and the bad and holding on when things get tough, and they do. It's being vulnerable to another person and knowing no matter how unlovable you are they will remember why they are with you and stand by your side through it all. But that's the thing. That's love -- to me. Right now.

Love is not the same thing all the time. It changes so much throughout our lives. It grows, it ebbs, it metamorphoses depending on where you are in that stage of life. The love that I have for my husband today is not the same as the day he asked me to be his wife. And that day, that love, isn't the same as when we married or had our babies.

I've put a lot of thought into that and decided that I don't know what my kids are feeling, I am not the judge of love. I don't want to be. They are in love. It's a feeling, it's a verb and it's personal. So, next time your teen says they are in love and you think they are crazy, believe them instead. Please?

Because, when they do get their hearts broken, and they inevitably will, you might understand just a bit more. You might be able to hold them a bit tighter or remember how painful that can be. And they SO need that. They don't need you to think they are ridiculous or unknowing. They need you to love them. Because someone else no longer does.

Thursday, September 24, 2015

A little rant about Rights......

I saw an article this evening about a group in Texas being upset with the fact that police cars say, "In God We Trust" on the back of them. It really got me thinking. I've had these thoughts for some time but I think it's time I put my thought to words.

We live in an amazing country. Seriously folks. Even with all the problems we face and all the slights we observe, we still have so much freedom. I think freedom has become something we take for granted too often in this country.

The great thing about having rights here is just that. We ALL have them. You can believe/subscribe/preach/embrace any old thing you want as long as it doesn't infringe on the basic human rights of others.

So, if this is true.....or rather, since this is true....why do we feel the need to force our opinions and views on others? If you don't believe in God, that's great. You're allowed that difference of opinion here. But why can't people just embrace and be happy with that belief instead of trying to rob others of what they believe?

The second greatest thing about America is our diversity....and again here, our rights to have that diversity come into play. Why do people feel the need to make others change to suit them instead of embracing and respecting their differences and again, our wonderful, God-(and country)given rights to have them?

Inequality does not equal variation. Those two words are so completely different. Our lives are all full of variations. This is what makes us great. Tolerance and respect have been lost somewhere in our need to not be offended. Taking offense, however, is a choice. You can also choose to see something you don't agree with like a saying on the back of a police car and say...."Awesome, they believe in God. I don't, but that's okay. It's not hurting me or them to be different from one another."

All of the attempts to take away others belief systems are taking away freedoms. It's taking away tolerance and variation. When you do that you are changing our great country, and not in a good way. People not being accepting of others differences is what makes up the root of almost every war that has ever been fought.

So, the next time you get offended over someone else's rights, please remember how blessed you are to have them. Please remember that you can love a person without being exactly the same as them or they, you. Remember how great it is to be in a land that allows you and the person next to, across the street, or across the country from you to have differences of opinion.

We don't need to be the same. We only need to love the same. And that's okay and frankly, VERY refreshing.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Rub off

Do you ever wonder if somehow your complete un-coolness and/or utter un-likeability has somehow rubbed off onto your children and wished with every piece of your aching heart that you could clean it off of them forever?  I do. I do. I do!

 See -- I was uncool in high school, uncool-er in most of middle school and then in elementary school I was the least cool you can imagine. (standing on the equator un-cool) And now, I'm a Mom.  I look at my beautiful daughters every day and they are the best thing I have ever done in this life. They are works of art that have worth beyond what I could ever measure.  But the world tells them they're not. My heart breaks.

For some reason I can't explain or fix, they always seem to be the odd girls out.  The ones not invited or included.  The forgotten friends. The ones that sit alone at lunch and wonder why they aren't as good as all the rest.  My deepest darkest fear is that it's because they belong to me. What else could it be?

They are amazing, they are beautiful, they are fun, they are funny, they are wise, they are kind, they are interesting.....yet, they aren't enough for all the other girls at school/church.  I can tell them these truths all I want but when they've called every single person in their phone on a Friday and Saturday night for the 80th consecutive week and they're still sitting home alone they don't believe me. They believe them. I have failed. It does take a village to raise a child.

We will be moving within the next year. Hopefully in the next six months or so and I have the same secret hope I've had every time we have done this in the past(which actually hasn't been that much) I hope they can fit in. I hope they can be valued and feel a part of things.  I hope they don't dread going to school and sitting alone at the lunch table while other groups of girls (who know better) laugh together nearby.

I do what I can to help them remember the truth about who and what they are but it is hard especially when I'm riddled with my own private guilt at believing this is somehow my fault anyway.  Because I was uncool I didn't know how to teach them to be cool.

 How do you combat the lies the world wants to tell you and your children?  Maybe I'm alone in this.  I've really put my heart out here for this post because I truly want to know what you think.  I feel bared and vulnerable posting but I'm looking for ways to help my girls. I'm sure I'm alone in this but if...just if--you have anything to offer about how your were raised or what you do please share.

THIS \/ is what they NEED to know! Thanks guys for saying it!

Saturday, January 21, 2012


Paige broke her pinky finger!  Isn't that sad!?  Yes, I think so.  

The worst part about this, for me anyway, is my award part of it.  Yes folks, January 21, 2012 and I'm already looking to win "Mom of The Year."  What qualifies one for such a high honor?  

Well, just this: So, Paige started mentioning sometime last week that her finger hurt, that even her wrist and the side of her hand was bothering her.  As much as I love this kid, she kinda complains a lot about things in general, so being always busy cooking, cleaning and the like I kind of said, "Oh, I'm really sorry honey but I'm sure you'll be okay."  It was mentioned, in passing several times. forward to last night when Paige was kinda whiny and tired and the like before Shad and I went out for a late dinner.  We were in our bedroom watching TV (it's date night!) She came up and kind of crying told me, "Mom!  My finger REALLY hurts and it's swollen and bruised!"  I said, "Come here, let me see this finger!"  She did.  I paled.  

The finger in question was rather swollen, black and blue, and generally not looking like a finger that should have been ignored for three days!    I felt terrible!  Also, just to add icing on the cake, I asked her how she knew it was "swollen."  I mean, does a nine year old know what that means?  She responded and said, "Oh - yeah, my teacher looked at it and told me."  Wow.  I'm all kinds of awesome.  And her teacher knows it.

She was very tired last night and it was late so I took her to the doctor this morning and they X-rayed it and found a little V-shaped brake just below the second joint.  It's splinted and will be for four weeks.  And I.....well, I will be a better, more attentive Mom in the future!  

I "pinky" promise. :/

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Weighty matters.

Even if you do.

SO, anyone who knows me, or has ever read this blog knows that weight is my mountain.  I lost 154 pounds and kept it off for over two years.  Well, due to many circumstances(including CRAPPY, crappy health UGH!) I have put back on quite a bit of poundage.  I've decided recently (due to my self-hatred regarding this) that I am going to get healthy again.  It's never really been about the number on the scale or on the tag on my jeans but it's hard to not think and or fixate on this.  The bottom line is, right now...I'm a mess.  I'm unhappy with my life as it is and it's time to reclaim my control.  Being overweight is not good for me. Period.  End of story.

I wish it was easier.  I have SO many obstacles, more now than ever, but I am armed for the task and at this I MUST not fail.  I need to be the champion of my past. No. I WILL be the champion again. My weight is not WHO I am so why does it affect me SO much?  When I'm like this I feel like people cast quick judgments and even if they don't, I do it myself, for them.  I feel like I'm not worthy of friends.  Who would want to be my friend?  I feel like everyone else is better than me.  I feel like I embarrass my children and my husband because of the way I look.  I feel, well defeated.

The sad thing hard as I try to not make this about the numbers my girls might believe otherwise.  They hear everything I say, but worse, they SEE.  This morning my four beautiful elementary school girls surrounded me at the breakfast table as I fought to get my MAJORLY unwanted bowl of oatmeal down.  Last time around I did a lot of things the wrong way.  I acknowledge that and think that is one of the reasons I believe, I never reached my goal weight.  I did a lot of just not eating, especially skipping breakfast.  I'm trying not to do that, and it's hard.  But anyway, I told my girls as I finished that I was going to get healthier if it killed me.  

At the sink as I washed my emptied bowl out I overheard my beautiful Jillian say, "Mommy wants to be skinny.  Skinny. Skinny. Skinny. That is good."  My heart broke a little.  I corrected her, "No, Jillian.  Mommy wants to be healthy.  I want a healthy heart."  I even went so far as to explain about your heart pumping and everything.  In the end I hope she heard me.  I don't want my girls to battle food the way that I do.  Every day. Every breath.  It's SO exhausting.   

So, how do you instill in your children the importance of being healthy without making it about weight?   When it comes down to it, it IS A LOT about weight.  How do I help them overcome this battle that I wage?  How do I change my own mind so that I believe it isn't just about the number as well.  I know they will hear what I say to them, but I know they will hear what I don't say to them even more.  And, at the end of the day, I'm trying to lose weight.

So, now that I've shared publicly my embarrassment at gaining to begin with I'm laying out some ground rules. If I write them here you(my 1 or 2 readers that is) can all hold me responsible. Right? 

RULE #1 NO skipping meals.
RULE #2 ABSOLUTELY NO skipping meals (AKA starving myself.)
RULE #3 See 1 and 2.

I wonder if you can tell what I did last time?  It is what it is.  I am not my past.  I am my future.  

PS....please comment.  I'd love to hear other people's opinion on this.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Hats -- On??

To Kenzie! She and I went to Target late one night last week and we had to wait around for our prescriptions. Now, I've always said and thought that my Celia would be my "fun" one as far as her love of jewelry, accessories, makeup, hair, fashion, etc. I think I may have been too quick on that assumption. It turns out Kenzie is just as fun and she's awesome good fun to shop with. It's awesome to see how everybody has different personalities but that doesn't make one better than the other and it's a fabulous thing to realize how wonderful that can be! What fun we had with our hat fashion show! What a fun "nearly sixteen year old" daughter I have been blessed with! :D

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Why just drink out of a cup.....

When you can quadruple-sip from a vat?? Yes, my kids are sipping Sierra Mist from straws out of a huge bowl. Why? Well, because....they....can. In an attempt at healthier snacking for the kiddos I spent Saturday afternoon slicing apples and then soaking them for 10 minutes in Sierra Mist. This(according to this here interwebs)prevents browning without affecting the flavor of the apples. And after I was done with that the children begged to drink the remaining beverage out of the soaking bowl. I thought it was nasty, the water didn't look all that appetizing to me afterwards but they were all about, against my better judgement, I let them. But I gotta admit, they are pretty darn cute! :D