WARNING: THE FOLLOWING IS A PAID ADVERTISEMENT FOR HOW CRAZY MELONY IS. IT DOES NOT REPRESENT THE VIEWS OF BLOGGER OR HER HUSBAND OR KIDS. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW HOW MESSED UP SHE IS DONT READ THIS!
Well...I have been thinking a lot lately about wierd stuff. Stuff that shouldn't matter but, oh well. I just always wonder what other people think about me. I mean what they really think. Not what they have told me or will tell me but how do they think about me when they hang up the phone from talking to me or see my name on caller ID. What is their true thoughts. I know I absolutely shouldn't care. I mostly don't, I mean, I am not sitting around worrying about it or anything but every once in a while I have a moment where I do. Then it may stay on my mind for a while. I realized a few years ago that I have said things that hurt people without even knowing it. I have lost one of my once closest friends partly due to something I said just in conversation that made her feel bad...I didn't even know it. I miss her. She and I were so close, we talked all the time, went out at night, etc. Anyway, learning that really made me think more about the things I say to others and how they are perceived. I have this one person I talk to and they will always make little remarks that just cut me to the core and make me rethink myself. I mean regularly. I don't think this person knows and does that on purpose but it is just another reason I think I need to be careful. There are people from my past I wonder how they think about me now that time has passed. I would just never want to hurt people. I try to be kind and do the right thing. I have made choices in life that I regret, for sure, but mostly I know that I learned from everything that happened in my life. I know I wouldn't be who I am today without everything and everyone from my past and present. Why does any of this matter? I don't know, because I am nuts?? It is weird being divorced. It makes you think about it...maybe you don't want to, but it can occasionally come to mind. It is not like I am thinking about him and remembering what we had together, not at all, more just the unresolved issues. I think it would be easier to just never think about if I didn't have my beautiful daughter. I would never change any of it. I don't regret it but I just want to know that I did my best. I tried everything I could to make that work even though I now know in hindsight it was never a good idea. I tried so hard, I really feel like I gave it all I could. I just wish I knew that the other person involved doesn't think I didn't...I know it shouldn't matter to me...but I have this ridiculous need to be ok. I want to know for some odd reason that he doesn't hate me and think that I wanted to hurt him and ruin his life. I tried to do the best thing for my little girl at the time. I know I made the right decision. It is not a question of that. I love my husband, so much. I love him on such a deep level, deeper than anything I have ever had in my life before, but he loves me. I know that, I never have to question it. He is good to me, cares about me and would never do the things to me that others have. I am so blessed with him and I know that. I just need to know I haven't left a wake of ruined people with broken hearts...Friend, ex, or even my children. That I hurt anyone and didn't try my hardest is just not ok with me. If I am trying my best I am ok with it but if I feel I didn't give it my all then I can't be ok with that. I know this is all ridiculous. I Just want people to see me as a good person. I am sure that is what anyone wants after all. The worst is when I feel I have hurt my children. A child is such a huge responsibility, and you have to walk a line always on what you can say to correct bad behavior or habits and what is just over that line so you won't damage them forever...That is a tall order, it gets harder as they get older. I am dealing with things from Kenzie that are tough, body odor, oily hair, feet smell, grades, friends, music...just everything and I am trying to help her without making her feel bad about herself...That is hard. What do you say to convey the seriousness of a situation without making her self conscious..AHHHH! I hope I say the right stuff. I always worry that I will damage them for life by saying something that I thought was ok or that I didn't even realize would hurt them. Anyway..the point of this all is, well, I don't know, but I just want whoever is out there reading, friend or whoever to know that number one if I hurt you I never meant it and two if you don't know me and you run across this blog, forgove somebody else..I am sure they didn't mean to hurt you..LOL I strive everyday to be the best I can be, be that parent, wife, friend, daughter, sister....the one that gives you good feelings and lets you know she loves you for who you are no matter what. What more can we do in life than try and give it all we have! Wow..this got deep. I try not to dwell but this is my place to come to get my feelings out so here it is...I feel like I should now get a blanket and hide...some of this is very personal. I am who I am and I am not a grudge holder or a fake. I am honest and these are honest thoughts so....Gonna go do some shopping for my friends baby shower now! I feel better now that I have written this novel...LOL
Well...I have been thinking a lot lately about wierd stuff. Stuff that shouldn't matter but, oh well. I just always wonder what other people think about me. I mean what they really think. Not what they have told me or will tell me but how do they think about me when they hang up the phone from talking to me or see my name on caller ID. What is their true thoughts. I know I absolutely shouldn't care. I mostly don't, I mean, I am not sitting around worrying about it or anything but every once in a while I have a moment where I do. Then it may stay on my mind for a while. I realized a few years ago that I have said things that hurt people without even knowing it. I have lost one of my once closest friends partly due to something I said just in conversation that made her feel bad...I didn't even know it. I miss her. She and I were so close, we talked all the time, went out at night, etc. Anyway, learning that really made me think more about the things I say to others and how they are perceived. I have this one person I talk to and they will always make little remarks that just cut me to the core and make me rethink myself. I mean regularly. I don't think this person knows and does that on purpose but it is just another reason I think I need to be careful. There are people from my past I wonder how they think about me now that time has passed. I would just never want to hurt people. I try to be kind and do the right thing. I have made choices in life that I regret, for sure, but mostly I know that I learned from everything that happened in my life. I know I wouldn't be who I am today without everything and everyone from my past and present. Why does any of this matter? I don't know, because I am nuts?? It is weird being divorced. It makes you think about it...maybe you don't want to, but it can occasionally come to mind. It is not like I am thinking about him and remembering what we had together, not at all, more just the unresolved issues. I think it would be easier to just never think about if I didn't have my beautiful daughter. I would never change any of it. I don't regret it but I just want to know that I did my best. I tried everything I could to make that work even though I now know in hindsight it was never a good idea. I tried so hard, I really feel like I gave it all I could. I just wish I knew that the other person involved doesn't think I didn't...I know it shouldn't matter to me...but I have this ridiculous need to be ok. I want to know for some odd reason that he doesn't hate me and think that I wanted to hurt him and ruin his life. I tried to do the best thing for my little girl at the time. I know I made the right decision. It is not a question of that. I love my husband, so much. I love him on such a deep level, deeper than anything I have ever had in my life before, but he loves me. I know that, I never have to question it. He is good to me, cares about me and would never do the things to me that others have. I am so blessed with him and I know that. I just need to know I haven't left a wake of ruined people with broken hearts...Friend, ex, or even my children. That I hurt anyone and didn't try my hardest is just not ok with me. If I am trying my best I am ok with it but if I feel I didn't give it my all then I can't be ok with that. I know this is all ridiculous. I Just want people to see me as a good person. I am sure that is what anyone wants after all. The worst is when I feel I have hurt my children. A child is such a huge responsibility, and you have to walk a line always on what you can say to correct bad behavior or habits and what is just over that line so you won't damage them forever...That is a tall order, it gets harder as they get older. I am dealing with things from Kenzie that are tough, body odor, oily hair, feet smell, grades, friends, music...just everything and I am trying to help her without making her feel bad about herself...That is hard. What do you say to convey the seriousness of a situation without making her self conscious..AHHHH! I hope I say the right stuff. I always worry that I will damage them for life by saying something that I thought was ok or that I didn't even realize would hurt them. Anyway..the point of this all is, well, I don't know, but I just want whoever is out there reading, friend or whoever to know that number one if I hurt you I never meant it and two if you don't know me and you run across this blog, forgove somebody else..I am sure they didn't mean to hurt you..LOL I strive everyday to be the best I can be, be that parent, wife, friend, daughter, sister....the one that gives you good feelings and lets you know she loves you for who you are no matter what. What more can we do in life than try and give it all we have! Wow..this got deep. I try not to dwell but this is my place to come to get my feelings out so here it is...I feel like I should now get a blanket and hide...some of this is very personal. I am who I am and I am not a grudge holder or a fake. I am honest and these are honest thoughts so....Gonna go do some shopping for my friends baby shower now! I feel better now that I have written this novel...LOL
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