I am naughty. I mean, I try really hard to be good but I just think I have a touch of naughtiness I can never seem to fully banish. I like to live on the edge. Just my foot in the mire. No more than that but still...I am a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints so I try with everything I have to fight that part of me that wants to rebel but I often find it hard to knock her completely down. I feel very conflicted by it. My true nature is that I like to be a good person. I want to do the right thing but why has it always been so hard fro me? If ever there was an inner battle in me it has always been that. I know a lot of people that seem to just be good. They are good people who choose the right and it seems effortless for them. I on the other hand struggle. I want to be good, I want to choose the right. I do. I want to set a good example for my girls. I just hate the constant battle I fight with me trying to overcome that little naughty streak...(although truth be told, I think my hubby is a fan of it when it suits him..LOL) Anyway....I just hate that it is hard. I wish it were easy. I feel so bad sometimes. I feel like a hypocrite. I am trying to teach my daughters to do this and not do that and a lot of it is truth. I know because I have made mistakes and tehy can be very painful. I truly don't want them to have to learn some lessons through experience. But when I say don't and I know I have it makes me feel hypocritical sometimes. I know it isn't really like that deep down but I have a hard time getting over it sometimes. So Wednesday's wish is that I could be good...That I could struggle less and go forward with faith. There is so much to be said for that word. Faith. It is unquestioning belief without ever seeing it for yourself. I really struggle with the concept. I am always one who needed to know why. It has always been the tallest order for me to just believe. Just because. I always learned every lesson the hard way and I know it has made me who I am today so I wouldn't nessecarily change that but I wish I would make it easier on myself. I wish I could except the not knowing and be ok with that. But I continue to do my best and I heard someone say once as long as you are on the staircase headed up towards the goal you are making progress. As long as I am not headed down I guess I am doing ok. Closure. I have always needed and craved it. I want to know...why, why, why? So my wish is to accept things as they are. My wish is that I can be my best and be OK with whatever that is. I don't need to know why. I don't need everyone to like me. I don't need to solve every problem. I just need to progress in forward motion and accept that I am imperfect and do all in my power to be the best I can be and banish that litttle wayward streak. Although maybe my little streak does come in handy every once in a while, eh??? See......there I go again. I am hopeless.....
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